I know why I drank. in lieu of drinking, I write & paint, but the negative self-talk still comes through when I am ambushed.
There are people who don't have a mosaic brain. This is my problem, my mosaic brain. My family are the most important people to me, that's a problem; I ruined relations with most of them, but I have to say that I felt disengaged to most people since I was a child. The first memory of this unhealthy kind of detachment is my distanced feeling, most of the time, that I felt around my Dad. I laid in bed and imagined him dead; casket, pall-bearers. I would lay there in the dark and imagine that scene until I felt sad, until I got tearful, until I felt love.
August 1969 I married for my career. I was ensconced in more than one career-choice internship, basically doing what I wanted to do with my degree already in my Freshman year. The husband-to-be was "the hub of the school", popular with the movers and shakers that ran the Bible college, so why not have a home, a partner in life, and a link to strengthen my career. He showed to me every sign that he was bent on a career in the ministry; we talked in the evenings about our classes; he bought me the high-end Reference Bible that he also used, he gave me a book that he felt was probably a look into the future of church in America. The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee was the study of Romans; the New Testament book that outlines the evangelical importance of the Christ-believers around 150 AD, as well as admonitions regarding daily Christian attitude and behavior. Two ideas I brought along with me in my life from that point my Freshman year were that I should actually go to the closest sanctuary, closest to wherever I live. Watchman Nee I guess was non-denominational. The other is a practice that I taught and that I use to this day: If someone tells me that they don't believe, that they have these shortcomings that they want to hold on to, or that they just can't pray to a god, I could suggest to them to pray "God, If There Is A God...." I pray this way almost all of the time.
A month after the wedding he quit school. He was a Senior with one class to pass for a diploma. He showed absolutely no remorse, and never did hold me in his arms, never looked me in the eyes to converse about his decision and what impact it might have on my career, my feelings toward him, or anything. So, sex was the focus after that. Church didn't suggest an annulment. I sought council with Pickerel, Jack Hayford.
Kids came along and I soaked them in, I breathed in and out of their bodies their brains their souls. That's how I felt about them, my sacred trust, my responsibilities. I raised them to think for themselves and to grow into at least a fair (if not great) relationship with one another.
The marriage was never based on open communication or real gut-level trust, so I left when my children were ages 16, 14 and 12.
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